emotionalmarkup

Let me say upfront that I’m not an expert communicator. I am easily startled by articulate, witty people, particularly if they’re holding a martini or capsicum spray. And meeting people in large groups, such as parties, when you only know one person or a few people remotely, absolutely scares the shit of me. But like it or not we humans are social animals and sooner or later I knew a time would come when I was forced out of the cradle of my inner social circle into the jungle of crazy-eyed sociopaths.

Having travelled solo, moved cities and countries by myself and changing employment more times than I’d have liked, I’ve found that when you are hurled into a new environment, the ability to make friends, establish rapport with colleagues/flatmates or just learn more about your new surroundings via the locals is vital. It makes such a positive difference to your experience that I cannot summon an adequate superlative to describe it.

I’ve met people who have travelled halfway around the planet to live in another country and, for whatever reason, didn’t make an effort to get involved in their community or city. Invariably they either turned inwards and blamed everything but themselves for their predicament or escaped back to familiar territory. A complete waste of time in my opinion.

It’s true that some people are natural communicators and could make friends and contacts at a Yakuza funeral. I’m more reserved than that, but I get by and at my own pace. I’m not saying meeting new people and entering new social circles is easy. It can be extremely difficult, especially when something as socially fundamental as language or social class sets barriers. Nevertheless here are few ideas that have helped me to overcome similar challenges and establish myself in a new place within a few months.

Become a doer

Someone has invited you out for a drink at 11pm and you have to work the next day at 7am. You will be tired. You will want to sleep under your desk. But an hour invested in socialising and expanding your social circle will pay off in spades later on.

The more opportunities you accept now the more diverse your choices will be later on. Naturally, I’m not saying that you must paint the town red every night of the week or accept an offer to join the local sumo wrestling team, but if you stretch yourself just a little and say “yes” more than you’re used to, you’ll be surprised at how many people you know, and how much you’ve learned about your new home/work/team after several weeks.

Furthermore, try to harness the power of the web. The sheer number of people in big cities means that you’re bound to find someone who is interested in underwater knitting and the internet is the best place to start. Sign up to a group or locate activity partners and get yourself along. You’ll be surprised at the number of people who share your interests or who are simply in a similar situation and want to meet people just like you!

For my last three moves, at the very beginning at least, I did nearly everything through the web including:

• finding accommodation both temporary and permanent
• finding a language exchange group/partner (to learn Spanish)
• joining a band
• finding out where the local web community met up
• and much more.

The only trick is to know which site works - which means the site that everyone is looking at. Google is probably your friend here, but there are few gems that I wouldn’t have discovered without a tip off from someone more knowledgeable than myself. For Barcelona it was loquo.com. In London and (at times) Sydney it has always been The Gum Tree.

Become a talker

Do the small talk if you have to, but keep it brief. Small talk is a social norm and there’s no reason to avoid it just because you want to feel original or avoid cliché. Small talk is a reliable way to discover tidbits of useful information from which you can construct a conversation. Topics such as where someone is from, why they are here, what they do, how they have fun, even the types of weather they enjoy can all diverge into any number of interesting tangents. The trick is to associate your experiences with what the other person is saying.

“Hey,” you say. “I can relate to that!”

Too much small talk however is not polite; it’s boring. If you feel that you have nothing in common with this person or that they are as responsive as a deep-freeze chicken then all you have left is to try your best and move on. Perhaps they’re having a bad day, or they lack the willingness to talk. Whatever it is, spend your energy elsewhere.

Remember to be yourself but be nice. It’s natural to want to impress people but all of us can see right through a try hard. Try hards are as transparent as the spittle that flies from their mouths and their victims tend to switch off sooner or later. It has been said umpteen times by just about everyone, but only because it’s usually true: most people are normal and will be polite if you just be yourself.

Don’t be afraid to express your opinion on a topic, or regale someone with your experiences or hobbies. If someone has a problem with the fact that you are fiercely proud of your Magic: The Gathering card collection, then it is their problem, not yours. So long as you listen to the other person and respect what they have to say, everything else fits into place.

Of course, there are some situations where you have to accommodate the personality of someone else in order to keep things running smoothly. They may be an excessive talker or worse, a bullshit artist. You may have to tolerate these people for a short while until you uncover a source of more desirable company.

So, all of this may seem obvious, but it wasn’t to me. I had never analysed my strategies - if indeed I had any - for broadening my social network or even creating one where none existed previously. Following this simple advice helped me so I hope it helps at least somebody out there.

*So there are only two tips. I think this whole 7, 10, 100 tips for doing everything is excessive and I intend, in my usual slothful way, to curtail it. I shall name this new convention, “Two-tipping”.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 25th, 2008 at 4:44 am and is filed under Useless advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.