Mind the Sap: Beating the Tube of despair
London is a city in which you see-saw between feelings of optimism and despair. Optimism flows from the endless source of ways to amuse yourself. If you have money or the will or both, the question of “What will we do tonight?” is one of the easiest to answer as there are cultural and social activities frothing from just about every orifice of the city’s concrete hide. However, despair lurks close by and will attack without notice causing you to forget all of this and drown yourself in a grey turmoil of bad weather, food and grim surroundings. A reliable way to shift from the former to the latter is through public transport.
Unless you are fabulously rich or can fly, getting around London inevitably involves spending an inordinate amount of time on the Tube or on a bus. Setting aside an hour to cross the city is generally advised if you have a meeting. Heading home after a night in a place anywhere but the area in which you live can be traumatic as the fastest and most reliable method of the transport, the Tube, closes around midnight every night.
Most newcomers to London make the observation that on public transport Londoners behave as if everyone around them is suffering from a debilitating contagious disease and will do anything to avoid all interaction, feigning deafness, blindness and even ignorance of their native language. To this end, the two most important items to carry in your transport arsenal are:
- a portable music device (to pretend that you can’t hear anyone)
- something to read (to pretend that you can see anyone and that no-one thinks you are staring at them)
Yesterday for example there were two friendly Jamaican men on board a Tube ride to Angel. They were apparently part of band in town to promote their new CD, which I presumed to be one related to the reggae style of music given their outrageous dreadlocks and Rastafarian wardrobe. After a brief speech explaining their mission, they asked commuters if anyone wanted a free CD of their music. A free CD from smiling men who one can only imagine make happy music. No-one said a word. They didn’t even acknowledge their presence, but buried themselves deeper into their books or fiddled with their headphones to demonstrate that they were listening to something far more important and interesting. Those that had no escape mechanism looked up or down and clenched their jaws.
I will say now that I was standing at the back of the carriage too far away to break the uncomfortable silence and besides, I was too enthralled in bearing witness to such a spectacle of rigid adherence to a baffling social norm. However, the men must have been attuned to this behaviour and laughed it off. They were right to ridicule us and everyone in that carriage knew it.
The irony is that this display of excessive pacifism is reversed the instant one alights from the train. Eyebrows are furrowed. The pace quickens. Those who choose to dawdle are cast aside like over-masticated chewing gum. Poor citizens who fail to remember to stand on the right on the escalators are verbally and physically assaulted by passers-by.
This contempt for rule-breakers is interesting as it doesn’t occur to such extremes on the continent. In Barcelona you can hardly hear what’s playing through your headphones due to the cacophony of conversation around you. Often you might find yourself the target of someone who just feels particularly chatty that day and they will carry the conversation up until the point where they have to get off. In most cases you will be left with their mobile number and email address.
While I do paint a morbid picture of life on the London Underground, as a service it has its merits. The reality is that there is no better and inexpensive way to traverse London and ultimately it’s all we have. So I’ve thought of some simple ways you can flip your despair on public transport over to temporary optimism and just maybe improve your experience and that of people around you. They are not terribly imaginative. If you can think of something better I’d love to hear it.
- Start by not frowning. Pretend your happy on the tube. At first people will be suspicious but after two or three stops, they will be jealous of you.
- If you make eye contact with someone close to you, just say hi. This goes against all the rules, but it’s not hard and you won’t see the person again. If they are good looking perhaps you might.
- Just about everyone has a cold in London. Offer a tissue if they are sniffing - the people around you will probably appreciate it more.
- Read your newspaper upside. See who notices and smile at them. I roll my eyes for effect.
- When listening to music, if you do get any type of reaction, offer an earplug - they might like your music.
- Create a premise for conversation. For example, if you’re reading ask someone for the definition or pronunciation of a word. Asking for directions is also a great way to drive the ice-pick of sociability through the cold London heart.
- For your own amusement, to try write two or three lines of poetry on every tube journey. At the end of a few months you’ll have tomb of great material.
- Sticky note said poems to the walls of the carriage.
- Make like you’re ignorant and ask why people behave like this on the Tube. The answers could form part of your next Masters thesis.
- Every day take a photo using your phone of your carriage. Yes, it does raise privacy concerns but no-one will dare say anything to you and the people who do, you’ll probably have want to talk to anyway.